Which should hurt more?

Which should hurt more?

Seeing happy or seeing him sad. Should I be hurt because he's happy without me? That he's more happy with that girl. Or should I be hurt because he's sad? Sad because he's still not getting what he wants. That he's still not with that girl.

Which should hurt the most?

Answer pleassseee

[1][4][3]

I hate to admit this. I hate to show this to anyone. I hate saying this to myself. I hate telling anyone about this. I hate not being able to tell anyone about this, because no one knows about this.

I just complete HATE this!!!

I hate this feeling, the feeling that I MISS YOU.

I miss listening to the sound of your voice in the middle of the night. I miss seeing your name on top of my recent sent messages or inbox. I miss seing your name in my call log. I miss hearing your special ringtone. I miss our long talks, our funny little jokes and our RC arguments. I miss how you get mad easily in RC. How you get so competitive when it comes to my RC and your RC. I miss seing your cute face in the webcam, how cute and mysterious you look. I miss seing you smile when I do or say something stupid. As it's the only time, I see your face smile :)

I miss hearing your voice! I miss how you don't believe me, when I say something. I miss hearing your line, 'ye ye ye' or 'really? I miss your texts. I miss getting your texts at one o'clock pm saying you just woke up, even though I know you were online in facebook at 10 am. :)))

I miss having our long ym chats.

But most of all, I miss not being able to call you mine & I miss the fact I was able to share you with anyone :(

*Sigh*

Sigh

Here we go again

The time has come again, where I have to limit it. I have abuse it for some time now & I need to control it.

What is it? you asked? It's..none other than..

Diet

I hate thinking about dieting. There's nothing else in the world which makes me more happy than food. So the thought of cutting back on food means a very very dark WORLD.

Sigh

Hide and Seek >.<

I thought I was good at hiding things, my feelings, my thoughts, my actions, but I guess not. I just learnt that they can read me like a book. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. Maybe it is, atleast they know me. Except, the fact is that they say I pretend. That I don't show my true self. I may be 'bi-polar' or two personalities. I don't do this purposely, it's just the way I am when other people are there, other than my family.

Now, this made me realised that I should open up my true self to them :(

Where di I begin? Can i really show myself to them. I'm scared, i'm scared they're gonna think differently of me. I'm scared things will be different. I'm scared , (PERIOD).

But today i found out that they're not like that, they'll stick by you. Be there for you, which is really good.

And I'm very THANKFULL!

this kinda woke me up and snapped the idea out of my head that I can let other people let me in. I don't need to pretend.

Someone told me that I need to show them my other side when I'm with my sister. I need to show them my real side.

The REAL me.

*sigh*

I don't know where to start: I don't know how to start showing my real self. I don't know what to show, what things are that need to be shown or others things which no need to share.

I just don't know.

But starting from now on, I'm going to try. Not gonna pick out things which side of me, they see. I'm not gonna think about it. Just what I feel, I show. I hope!

What things to show:

1. They're gonna see more of my mean side, when something pisses me off.

2. I'm gonna speak my mind.

3. Saputon ba ako. Pero kapag kasama ko sila, wala patient kaau. Which weird kaau.

4. Ipapalabas ko ang anger ko, sabi nila dapat ilabas. So [SORRY] ahead kung sakanila ako mag labas init ulo. LOLS

Anyway, thats all I can think of at this moment. We'll be writing more in the future, when i think of more things.

You ONLY live once

You only live once. So why not make the most of it. Do what makes you happy. Live life to the fullest. Find true hapiness in LOVE. And forget what makes you sad. It doesn't deserve your time or effort in your life.

Thats why I list everything I want to do when I do find my true happiness with him.

Don't want to miss anytime spend with him and regret it later.

(This is something I learnt from HIM - so thank you ^-^)

Get kiss under the pouring rain.

Have a playground date (Swings, slide, seasaw etc )

Picnic in Phoenix Park & have a bike ride

Zoo date (Papicture kasama sa mga kamaganak niya na monkeys) lols

Day trip to Bray - Picture2x sa beach or hike sa hill.

Lie under the stars - star gazing :)

Clouds watching

Slow dance togethere, either alone or in a party.

Take a photo booth picture togethere.

Funderland Rides - Rollercoaster

Ice skating - hand in hand. Well hopefully mas magaling cxa kaysa akin kung hindi kami dalawa ma hulog. lols)

Snow fight - Ofcourse ako panalo :)

Cooking togethere - food fight & icing sa face - chocolate.

Be kiss by HIM on New Years Eve.

Watch a scary movie togethere on Halloween or friday 13th.

Watch St Patrick's parade togethere - face paint.

Basketball game togethere. (Mag watch ako & cheer for him)

Wear his t-shirt or jersey.

Sleepover sa bahay with supervision of course.

Try video call togethere.

24 hrs talking. NON-STOP

Shopping trip. Not for me for HIM. Help him pick outfits.

Basketball date. Turoan nya ako mag basketball. Well try.

Able to introduce him to my family, friends & lucan.

Able to come over my house for dinner.

Ma invite ko siya sa mga birthdays ng family ko. (part na kasi cxa so invite dapat)

Bring him to a lucan party after basketball.

Gusto ko maging bestfriends sa kapatid nya.

Otherhalf sa bebo.

Tour in Dublin Bus.

Call him 'Oppa' & 'Bossing'

Same picture sa profile :P

Mag ferris wheel lang kami dalawa.

my PROMISE

I will be the type of GIRLfriend na:

SUPER SWEET: I will say I LOVE YOU everyday. From the start of the day until the end of it. So that you will remember each morning that their's someone who loves you and at the end of the day. I will definitely try not to be shy. I will have a 'walang paki attitude' , I won't care who hears it.
CUTE SELOSA: Maseselos agad, hindi sabihin, bigla tatampo pero never talaga aminin sa bf na selos siya. (pride dude)
EXCLUSIVELY FOR MY MAN: I will always remind him that I'm his and Your mine. I will always remind him his my NUMERO UNO and that hindi ko siya papalitan.
TEXTING 101: Text during the day lang. Or text kung naalala or text kung na MISS :)
Also Tetext ako to see kung ok lng siya or mangamusta about his day.
RESPECT: R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I definitely respect him. Hindi ako magkialam, siya mag decide para sarili nya. I won't butt in. lols (try anyway not to butt in). I will respect his decisions, if going out with friends. Walang maki-ALAM dyan.
PRIDE OUT: Kapag alam ko mali ako, hindi ako mag pa init ng ulo kasi mali ako. I will accept that mali ako. I will say sorry immediately and truely mean it.

FULL OF SURPRISES: Surprise lalambingin ko siya anytime and anywhere. I wil show him what he means to me. Bibigay nang gift which he will truely appreciate not only kasi nakita ko sa shop na mahal.

ADDICTED TO HIM: Tipong akong na babae na kung nakikita ko siya or just thinking of him I shake and my heart beats 100 beats per minute. Also kapag malapit siya, ako yun lumalapit at maghuhug and kiss sa cheeks muna. Tipong din ako na babae na na kikilig kung katabi ko siya or naamoy or kung na kita ko lang siya nag smile :)

HONEST & LOYAL: I can honestly say na hindi ako true honest sa lahat nang tao, may white lies din. Pero sa BF, i will try to honestly share with him. Ang loyal wala ako problema, kayang kaya yan. lols.
TRUE SELF SA BF:Gusto ko ang BF ko alam niya ako and accept niya ako. Sa Bf ko gusto ilabas lahat nang problema ko. Sa kanya ako magshashare. Dahil comfortable ako sa kanya na pwede lang ako mag iyak sa kanya and siya mag comfort sa akin. Ippakita ko din sa kanya ang true self ko, paano ako mag galit & pikon. (ang sympoms, duration, treatment). hahaha

LAMBING:Super lambingin ko siya, especially kung nasa labas and may tumitingin. E hohold ko hands niya and e hug siya. *elalagay ko kamay ko around his neck and kamay niya sa bewang ko. Tapos SMILE lang ng SMILE sa lahat ng naka tingin :)
COOK FOR HIM: I believe that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach so I want to cook for him. Wanna learn his favourite food, dessert, cake etc and make it for him. I will try to perfect cooking his fav foods para naman ma impress siya diba. ;)

Also this is a special way to show na special na special siya.

FINALLY....

LOVE HIM THE WAY HE IS: I will love him as my boyfriend and bestfriend. I don't want him to change. He's perfect the way he is and thats the way I like it. It's the person I fell in love with and not gonna change a thing about it.

I will definitely love him, treat him as he is my everything.♥ ♥

PS: I LOVE YOU

A wise tip from SOMEONE.

Whenever your guy is pressuring you to do something.

JUST REMEMBER A USE CAR SALES MAN.

The more he pushes for you to buy the car. The higher probability rate that it's damage goods.

What a CRAPPY day :(

Hais...

What a crappy day! To start with, last night my phone wasn't working properly. Can't send a stupid text. Seriously, I felt like throwing my phone outisde the window. [argh]

But thankfully..It's back to normal now. Yay! Hip-Hip-Horray :D

Omygosh. ANOTHER fecking reason this day is so CRAPPY is it's so NOISY outside.

Can't sleep at all.

I so wanna shout at them. But have no energy at all. Still sleepy..So I guess I'll just take out my anger out here. I wish i was in school, it's more peace and quiet and I wouldn't have to think about him at all.

Anywhoo..

guess you don't need to read this..So I'll leave in till here,

Tata,

Kay

BLANK.

It's been a year and STILL no change. If I knew my life would turn this way with him. My gosh, wish I never liked him at the first place. I seriously think nothing has change at all, and I feel like it has even worsten. Before, we had an okish relationship. In which he still spoke to me, looked at my direction, had eye contact with me. But NOW, it's a complete different story. Never once spoke a word to me. Not even excuse me, hi, paki daan/abot. NOTHING. He doesn't even have eye contact with either of my friends and me. Haiss ang buhay nang ISANG BABAE na inlove sa ISANG BUANG/ADDICT NA LALAKI.

PS: Girl's LISTEN to your heart. But never FORGET about your head. Some people say LOVE with your EYES open, HEART open and BRAIN intact.

But something has change, which I am very very proud of. I'm
I'm
I'm
I'm
I'm
I'm
I'm
I'm
I'm not addicted to his smell!!

Back then, when ever I get a sniff of his perfume. Even if i don't see him anywhere close to me, I try to find it. It's kinda pathetic. Back then, I would do anything just to get close to him, to be able to get that addictive smell.

Omygosh if you smell it, you'll definitely lose your train of thought. It's seriously that addictive and my gosh no word can describe it.

Anywho..NOW!
Nothing, no effect on me now. I can properly keep my train of thought. :)

H-A-P-P-Y.

I hope this is progress, that I'm finally able to say that I don't care.

I DON'T CARE eh eh eh eh eh eh.

Sooo..

I'll leave it here for now,

Tata,

Kay

Falling for you

Falling for you, a song by Coblie Caillant. A brillant song, got it from my sister. It was about Colbie who has a date with this guy, but it's kinda different because he's not her typical type of guy.

While listening to this song, it made me think about HIM! The same thing keeps popping in my head. He's not my type of guy but for some reason, i gave him a chance.
Seriously, I know this guy, maybe not personally but through friends. HEARD OF HIM thats how I'd summerise how i kneo him. I never ever ever thought that I'd like him so much. OMG, things do change, people change, personalities change and feelings change. WEEEIRRD!! naks.

I’ve been spending all my time Just thinking about ya I don’t know what to do

I think I’m fallin’ for you

These words in hit me like a bull's eye. WOW! I think I'm seriously falling for him. It's abit annoying for someone who I thought was a snobish kinda guy. Now I think he's the best guy ever. Can't stop thinking of him. It's annoying. I miss him, always think about him, wishes he'd text me. But oh well, can't help it.


This isn't the first song which reminded me of him, the other was I can't help falling in love with you. The title speaks for itself.

Wise men say only fools rush in But I cant help falling in love with you

Shall I stay Would it be a sin

If I cant help falling in love with you

Other songs which remind me of him is well most of my type guys is Alexander Burke's song Bad boys. Seriously most of my type of guys are BAD BOYS. For some reason, i get attracted by them. I like they're snobbish attitude, guys who thinks they are the best thing god ever created. I like the fact that they seems like they have no fear. Not scared of anything. It's quite attractive in my eyes. Hais. Being corny again. [argghh]

Even though I know they're no good for me

It's the risk I take for the chemistry

Well I'l just leave it here, before I say anything which i will regret. I have a few more songs, just can't remember it right now. As you can guess, my mind is only right now revolved around HIM.

Tata for now.

Kay.

First Impressions.

Haiss. First impression. Something which i'm terrible at. I get all shy and my true self doesn't come out and I end up being or acting someone whos not me.
Enough with the blah blah. I'm Kay. A girl (duh!) 19 years old. Can't believe 20 next year. I'm so old. HAHAHAHA. But oh well, I'm not the oldest in my group, second youngest and damn proud of it. Still a baby.
I was born in the Philippines but not living there anymore. In Ireland now where I have spent about 8 years here. Ireland's nice but can't help missing Philippines. I have those days where i just think about Philippines all the time. Being HOME SICK they say :(
Argghh. Thinking about it again PHILIPPINES. Very depressing siince right now, in the Philippines is in trouble. Weather wise, Bagyo Ondoy just finish and they say a new bagyo is coming bagyo Piping :( It's very sad especially when I see those destroyed buildings in the Philippines.
Enough about the Philippines. I'll completely get depress now. Soo where were we. I'm the eldest of two girls. My young sister is called Jomarie. Yeah, she's the best. Though sometimes annoying. Nooo, my mistake i mean all the time annoying. lols. Sorry Jo, but it's true. Eventhough she's annoying, I love her to bits. Fighting + Annoying each other is what we do best and what we enjoy the most especially when bored.
What else can I say, I'm such a FOOD person. I think about food 24/7, talk about it, always looking for it and always prepared with FOOD :)


Anyway, thats all I could think of. Got to go- make dinner. FOOD again!

Kay OUT!

Things I learned while doing NOTHING.

Well as you all know, I was admitted to hospital. Sheesshh.


I now know how my patients feel when they're left all alone. For a change, I walked in their shoes and experience what it feels. And let me tell you, it's not that nice at all.


Being in the hospital for 6 days was bad enough. But I was also put in isolation, which made things much more boring and worst for me. I wasn't allowed to go out and was treated as if I was a contagious freak. Which I wasn't!


Anyway, since I was insolated, I didn't really have many visitors just my mom and dad.


Most of my time, one of my parents would me there with me, so I wasn't that bored so to say.


However, the moment they leave, I'm left in my own world. The only entertainment I have is the magazines my mom brought me. Which can occupy approximately one hour and thirty minuets. Leaving me about 5 hours blank. Other entertainment is playing with cards. I can play soliter, the future telling game and free cell. This can occupy more of my time if I'm winning ofcourse. Who would wanna play if all are losses.:(


MUSIC is a big helper to my sanity. As you know, hospitals are known for their quiet place as it's a place for resting. I learnt that silence is not my friend at all. One postive side about being isolated was that I had my own room. Which meant I was able to do my normal routine like singing -lols-.


Anyway, Yeah that kept me sane for most of the time.


Lastly, my biggest entertainment of all. Looking out the window, it had the most spectaculas view. It's not what you're thinking, it's not a garden, it's not a pond or fountain. It was another part of the hospital. It was the hallway or something, many people would pass every minute. My fun there is seeing people pass by. It differs from doctors to nurses to patients to visitors to hospital caretakers.



Any-who: These entertainment techniques kept me occupied for some time. The rest of the time, i was left with my own thoughts. In there I learnt alot of things:



1. I don't care how many cup of tea they give me - I really won't drink it. They're so stereotypical kind of people. They think just because all people in Ireland is tea-LOVER

Well I am for a fact not a hot tea-LOVER. I am a cold ICE tea - LOVER.



2. Even if the stick a needle inside of me a hundred times, I will never get use to the pain at the start. It hurts ok - for me.



3. I have VERY VERY VERY low pain threshold.



4. I thought that there wasn't any food i wouldn't eat. But I guess i do. I hate irish vegetable such as brussel sprouts and their cabbage, it SMELLS :(



5. Doctors scare the HELL-OUT of me. I mean when I hear the door open my heart just starts beating fast. It doesn't even matter if it's the nurses or the cleaning staff or the catering entering I just get scared. Cos an open door means someone's here to say something or do some other test like get more blood.

For a fact: They injected the needle inside 10 times. 7 of those were for blood. Still not use to the pain.



6. I hate IV. It hurts. I hate it when they first put it in. I hate it when they have to give me my medicine through IV. It's a weird feeling. Plus, I hate the fact that i can smell my medicine after wards.

7. Morphine doesn't do anything good for me. [NOT EFFECTIVE ON ME ] :(

8. My sister never visited me. SHE DOESN'T LOVE ME. [drama ONLY!]

9. My YFC family is the best. I have never been part of a group which really cared for the other people. My YFC family visited me. Cheered me up.

10. Sushi bento is the best SUSHI i've tasted in Ireland. That for real. [TRY it - Sushi bento is found just infront of Epicurian and it's beside Bagel bar. I recommend it. 5 STARS ]

Anyway. I think thats all i learned while i was in hospital. That all i could remember it's been months now. A lot of things happen. I've learned a lot more new things. lols

Tata for now,
Kay